im so fucking bitter. a;sldfjas;ldfjadflkguhwdikpafhadofiukbf ousdfkandjKUXbvqaeouknqwa

why cant people let things go. why do people hold grudges. forgive and forget. if you want people to change then stop bring their past up. stop reminding them of their mistakes. we all know the mistakes we have made and have learned from them. why cant you believe enough in someone that they have learned and can change. its my fucking life.

oh my people.brought down steeples.lingering loather.my guilt feels stronger.

i.would.never.let.you.blow.away.

back to nowhere a land. i see my thoughts in your head. cracks running down your hands. believing you still have a chance. i'll go down to the deepest part of your mind. screaming let me out. You know im coming home where i first doubted us. i am with you now. I would never wanna be the hope you pictured in your dream. the tide is turning with the breeze. the clouds are flying with the sea. i know you might not understand the moving space in my plan with you. after all your veins have died. i could never satisfy. be my penny for the life.

Aurum.

Breathing a golden wind,

Looking away from my sin,

I hope this never ends,

My life i finally see again.

Dreamers live by the stars,

Quitters seem to never start.

Your words pour throughout my mind,

You're here and brought death to time.

Beads connected to my veins,

Troubles leave this new found face.

Cracking smile and sleepy eyes,

Killed the trials without my knife.

i am sitting here staring at all these empty people not knowing why they are here and not trying to find it out.

so these past few days have been weird but not a bad weird just a weird weird. i am so excited for berklee. it is all i think about. well mostly. i just have forgot about where i am now i guess. i really need to get a job or something. i have been thinking way to much just cause all my friends are either at school, working, or just busy. but i dont wanna be too busy either. i hate being too busy. today was a good day, besides the ACT (bullshit) test i had to take so i can take some college classes. eh. it was stupid. the english and reading was easy for me. the math and science was brutal. i also went without a calculator. but oh well. i will find out the scores soon. i wanna hangout everyday. my mom got kfc for the family for dinner. it was gross. i hate kfc. like hate it. so now i am hungry but too grossed out to eat anything. i want to bake a pie or something. i love pie. i smile a lot more now. not in school though. ha. i mean does anyone smile in school. not i. nope. only when i see someone trip. baha. life just seems so slow right now. but maybe it is a good thing since i will be starting a brand new in less then a year. mmmmmmmmmmmmmm. i will miss my friends. but nothing is gonna stop me. and I MEAN NOTHING. even if i got a full ride to some school in oklahoma, which wouldnt happen btw, i would not accept. berklee is calling my name, although it doesnt know my name. which is one reason i am going. boston, where no one knows my name. the wind yesterday was coming from the east. it never comes from the east. it was nice and unexpected. i had a great conversation with someone that i never thought i would have a great conversation. even though a lot of stuff ive been through has made me clinically insane and has put me in counseling the benefit is i can help friends with questions. questions to stuff that i actually have experience with. so i guess that will make me a good father too. just cause when my kids mess up (which they wont) i will be right there able to help them. i hate the parents that just say dont do this. but they dont tell you why.. like what happened when they did it. i dont know. i want to be an open dad. which i shouldnt think about. i have a while for that. sitting here staring at all these empty people not knowing why they are here and not trying to find out.  sad sad sad. one reason i like shades. everyone there is just so certain on their life and know so much about what they actually Want to know about. everyone here on the other hand seemed so lost and clueless. whope whope i smiled again. when i think about you i just cant stay the same.. dumdumdumdimdimdumdum. did you know it is proven that bananas make girls horny. yes seriously. and its not the SHAPE. it is all the potassium in the fruit. weird aye? heard it on some talk radio show. and yes i believe it. so banana foster is me tonight baby. i need a new acoustic. and a new mac. and money for college. help. 

now my ass burns.

well damn that was awkward. i was sitting outside smoking a cigarette when i see my moms car pull up. it was right when i enhaled so i could not blow it out and for some reason i decided to sit on my cigarette. hm. pretty funny. 

circles.

we're building towers with no foundations.

YAY! for words.

i didnt know that things could change so radically fast. i was sad. but now life is coming at me different. smaller things that mean nothing to most mean more to me now. it is a weird feeling. and i dont want it to go away. i wont let it go away. i have been writing more music lately. i hate how people feel like they should rush their music. i think you should take as long as you want. fuck record labels. eh. i think. but really people try to hard to write music and never end up writing anything. or they do but it sucks. i love fufusoda. like if you would just take your time it could really mean so much more to you than just a 10 minute project or so. i mean yeah i have had those inspirations hit me like a mother fucker and i could write a song right there. finished. but i see the best is being patient. i have stuff that is years old and that is now finished. man. so today there was this big brown couch at this random hardware store. i miss the couch. i like bixby a little more now too. surprising. very. the arkansas river is so ugly but it was so pretty today at the same time. i felt like a monster hopping in a desert. my favorite word right now is okay. there are so many people. how come everyday i see a new person. like i feel like this place i live in is so small. but i see a new face everywhere i go. even the places i go to everyday, there is a new face. i like itttttt. i need b o s t o n. i found out great news. berklee requires no act testing. yes. that made me so happy. ahahahahahahajdflkajsdf;lajsd;lfjhqerwphitudsaklajdfa;sldkfhewr09iqhofjwkads. <--- that is me smiling.
my parents pissed me off tonight. i get home at ohh 10:30 and they are outside just drinking some wine. trying to make their life happy and hip i guess. ew. then we start talking. like for real. why are people so fucking negative. now looking back at pass blogs i am negative too. and tonight i am deciding to stop. no more negative london. yes thats right get ready for a craaaazy life.
I will take you where you never thought you would go

hypnotist.

tonight was a great night. i saw a ton of people i knew. ryan,ricky,meghan,grant. weird man. i felt more alive tonight then i have an a very long time. its like we did everything opposite today. didnt go to the same place. didnt listen to our average music. we even turned the heater up full blast. i could do this every night. the pitter patter outside my window is singing to me. i feel like my eyes open a little bit more whenever i am with you. you make me see life totally different. why havent i looked at life like this before. there is a monster inside my tummy. i hope i dream of Poppy, Silver and the Wind. hope and dream go great in a sentence together. i think Poppy and Silver might be wrestling right now up in space. i can hear them. i dont want bobby to leave. i have only known him for a bit but he is so fascinating. mother superior jump the gun.
Boston, where no one knows my name.

i was half dead

and you would know the sound of praise. when i came and took your place. the burning starts this troubled laugh. with all your sins inside your lap. never take my look again. your faults at stake. im loosing wind. my open mind with sold out prayers. this lie of time. stole our treasures.
looking there what i see is falling angels come to me. stop and gaze for one more chance. try to steal this empty hand. diamonds float above your eyes. rain falls in the night. bought my soul for one more price. statues stare and you and i.

i swear you can trust me

the matter in the sky

you fly in my mind. always inside. breathing your life.
all of my dreams. burned up the sea. washed out the me.
all i wanted was a life with you. to take your hand with mine. we'd be alive.
troubles came across. your deep blue ocean. hearts then turned to stone. and drowned emotion. wanting everything. but i cant have all the dreams in my eyes. Forever & Always. are the words in my mind. Always more & more & more..
be still and see me. the way that you need me. i cant always live this. the way you are perfect. truth is but a lie.the matter in the sky. is nothing but more & more. of your dream.

Three.

say obvious
say obvious
try to find the light

3 quarters pass emotion
lived 3 blocks down the station
the 3 headed monster wont find me

say obvious
say obvious
try to find the light

you say i know you
won't even try
but i woke up here in
confusions eye
is it safe to
drown my dreams
in all this hypocrisy

say obvious
say obvious
try to find the light

but don't you wish you could be alone like me
a lonely lizard with 3 eyes to see

wantint something more

see all of us. we are all inside of this tree. see all my mistakes. they are haunting me. i will go far. bushels and figs. have better days. babies in their cribs. are all of the same. i will go far.
see all the people. standing in windows, are wanting something more. trying to be a better man. while starving. tortures my mind. i want more. i want more.

da#dgcf

all i wanted was to be alive.

been together almost 5 years. its done now. completely no communication. i want to fucking kill myself. my mind is eating my mind up. selfish. very very. i dont care anymore. i am prideful and selfish. damn. 5 years. she is perfect. has always deserved better. i fucked everything up. my hormones did also. everything changed so fast. we knew too much about each other. there was no more mystery. no more questions. truth fucked it up. and so did lies. i do not know where at all to find happiness. she was my happiness but with her i was never happy. only in the beginning was i happy. so young careless and free. get butterflies when i would just hold her hand or if she would touch my knee. now this fucked up perverted mind only gets butterflies when hes about to kill himself. i see her when i look in the mirror she is what made me. i lived for her. but i always wanted more & more. i just know she deserves someone better. stronger. loyal. caring. spiritual. i use to be those things. but they disappeared. along with my love. influenced to much maybe. it wasent the drugs. it was my mind. i think way to fucking much. and i cant go back to her. i am a coward. she has to find someone. i wish i could move away. jealousy has fogged my eyes. i am completely full of shit. dont believe a word i say. i really am not sure what i will do when i found out she has someone else. i wanna be happy. but i wont be. im scared of what will happen. my thoughts have been abusing for this pass year. all i wanted was to take her hand. to go everywhere with her and to make kids. but i am evil. i am going insane. insane is the right word i think. i dont sleep much anymore either. im scared to dream of her. everywhere i go i am some how reminded of her. 2 years ago our relationship was so strong. then i had to go and fucking cheat on her. cause im fucking evil. then we were okay again not as good but okay. but then my anger and jealousy grew even more. i was talking to girls but at the same time getting mad at her for talking to guys. pure fucking evil. selfish is not even close to what i am. i am worse than satin maybe. nah maybe not that bad. i just wanted to be with her forever. but also was scared shitless of being with the same girl from age 14 till fucking death. we were practically one. she was most of me. and i was most of her. i am not sure if that was good for us. but i think she is happy. which is great. she deserves to be happy. i hope she is. i was always so life sucking around her. such a downer. i use to not be. idk what happened to me. i use to be a great guy. i think. selfish always though. its cause i was just a little more talented back then and everyone gave me so many compliments it just made me fucking selfish. ah. now im not even worth shit though. i can throw those talents out of my ass. they are worth nothing now. i was such a fucking bad boy friend. treated her like shit. seriously what the fuck. why would i do that. she is perfect too perfect for words. love wasent even enough. if i would of just killed myself our lives would of worked out great. so many thoughts go through my mind though. i hate being home. i end up thinking then doing random shit like blogging. but i havent told anyone about this shit. except one person. but not everything. for some reason it feels good to call myself a piece of worthless shit. mm. yep crazy i am. i am a noose waiting to be wrapped around someones fucking throat. i just wanna see myself happy. happy.. happy. i am lost right now in this neverending fucked up life. i just want it to end. do people ever pray for death. is that wrong. ohwell. selfish. yep. i am completely addicted to her. obsessed. i am going through withdraws. i need fucking relationship rehab. but i dont wanna start drinking or doing drugs to drown out the pain. that shit never works. EVER. but who knows. maybe i will. i dont care. maybe i have bipolar disorder. i think my grandma has it. or maybe im a schizophrenic freak. my uncle is. i also did cocaine for awhile this summer. maybe that fucked up with my mind a little. i dream about it sometimes. but the only reason i would kill myself is just cause i want her to notice. but also cause i wanna see what is next. but that is a whole other blog. i took all her pictures down. i overflowed a box of her things. and still have more stuff. i dont wanna burn it. that is just stupid. now i have 6 empty frames in my room that need pictures. and a little toy pig that needs a friend. and a watch that needs a wrist. and a ring that needs a finger. and a few shirts that need an upper torso. and a heart that needs a body. and tears that need eyes. damn im a fucking emo pussy. fml.

"A Thousand Years"

A thousand years, a thousand more,
A thousand times a million doors to eternity
I may have lived a thousand lives, a thousand times
An endless turning stairway climbs
To a tower of souls
If it takes another thousand years, a thousand wars,
The towers rise to numberless floors in space
I could shed another million tears, a million breaths,
A million names but only one truth to face

A million roads, a million fears
A million suns, ten million years of uncertainty
I could speak a million lies, a million songs,
A million rights, a million wrongs in this balance of time
But if there was a single truth, a single light
A single thought, a singular touch of grace
Then following this single point , this single flame,
The single haunted memory of your face

I still love you
I still want you
A thousand times the mysteries unfold themselves
Like galaxies in my head

I may be numberless, I may be innocent
I may know many things, I may be ignorant
Or I could ride with kings and conquer many lands
Or win this world at cards and let it slip my hands
I could be cannon food, destroyed a thousand times
Reborn as fortune's child to judge another's crimes
Or wear this pilgrim's cloak, or be a common thief
I've kept this single faith, I have but one belief

I still love you
I still want you
A thousand times the mysteries unfold themselves
Like galaxies in my head
On and on the mysteries unwind themselves
Eternities still unsaid
'Til you love me

I am begging you no.

there is no pain you feel that love cannot heal.

false.

imtheonlyonewhothinksthisway.
i have this kitty.. it was a wild kitty. it was lost, starved, and abandoned by its mother, the kitties mother left her. but i think the mother was thinking about ME when she left her most prized thing behind the dumpster in this world. the mother knew that i was lost and just needed something to save me. a friend. the mother left her kitty so i could find it. and keep it with me in my arms. although the kitty was lost and abandoned by her mother it showed nothing but love to me. the kitty came to me first. the kitty loved me first. the kitty didnt care that i was human and evil in a kittens eye. it knew that i was also lost just like it once was. so it found me. it took me and i took the kitty. this was the moms plan along. to use her possession as the key to real love.

starring at the feather in the water only brings the bird back to it's nest.

i need an apple mind.

imobsessedwithmemories.eveniftheyarehorrible.allidoissithereinthisfuckingcubiclethingkingaboutthem.itslikemymindhasacomputervirusandpopupsjustkeepappearingandtheprotectionipaidfordoesntdoshit.stupidwindows.itslikeihavethediseasewhereimalwaysparanoid.idkithinkitgetitfrommymom.orishouldstopbeingnaughty.naaah.itstoofun.butmyheartcanttakethismuch.memories.thatiswhyilikemusic.thatisreallytheonlyreasonilikemusic.everysongihearicantellyouwhatitremindsmeof.everysongbringsamemory. m u s i c  i s  a  m e m o r y . itslikeadrug.ithinkmoreaboutthepastthenidothefuture.iknowitsnothealthy.iwishiwashappy.butthosememoriesaresomuchhappierthenmypresent.ithinkmypaymentisdo. t h e  e d g e  f e e l s  m o r e  l i k e  a  f r i e n d  t h a n  y o u  e v e r  w i l l .

i 2 u (i miss the eye)

i stole your heart & left it in the wind

to die alone, with all my sin

i float away to forget my mistakes

that have haunted me. drowned in a sea

i would never forget

all my failures

all these letters

inside my head

i will kill this haunting spirit..

..that takes away

all i say to you

my dear, about our fate

leave these words

kill those thoughts

which took your hand

& left in the dust.

I'm sorry love for taking you,

when i woke up i lived for you.

i miss the eye

that stared in my soul

you gave me life

& made me whole

your are what made me

the person i am

now i can    live

with  myself

ill try & forget

all the Hell i..

..brought to you

im sorry for all the things i did

can you live

with all my faults

that was all

that brought me down

i hear the sound

i will be here

when you're ready

i will change my

heart that kilss thee

you give me life

inside my lungs

please don't forget

about our love.

title:title:title:title:title:title:title:title:title:title:title:title:title:title:title:

i dont know what to do with myself.
i know that im called to lead worship.
but oru is to much for me right now.
im too busy.
i have no time for myself.
i am starting to forget who i am.
i cant handle life.
victory pisses me off so much.
the teachers are crap.
i have learned nothing at that school.
i have peace at oru. i like being somewhere where no one knows who i am.
the teachers are nice.
but victory.. the money has gone to crap at that place.
they are wrong on how they teach everything. they all think god is only judging. they forget what god really is.. and that is love.
nothing they say makes sense. only tell us what is wrong and what god says we cant do. but its not that we cant. its just that we shouldnt. if we mess up, god isnt gonna write that down in some little journal. thats why he sent is most favorable person to die and to take all of our sins. FOREVER.
i cant stand being in a place anymore where there is nothing that shows gods love.
i know god loves me so much.. and his grace is the only thing that will get me through life. but i am growing so much bitterness towards victory. and its sad. i dont want to be a bitter person. but i kinda am right now.
when will christians focus on the most important thing about god. and stop focusing on the thing that gets people down and in a slump. christians are horrible people. ahhhh.. sorry im so bitter. i try to love everyone. i do.. but i dont. idk what is wrong with me..
i just wanna go cry and be with god. man.. i feel selfish.
i love god cause he loved me first.
thank you god.
i feel like i cant talk to anyone. ANYONE. no one. just god. he is the only one that understands. and doesnt judge and critique.

this life is so weird. like just stop and think about it..
why are we here.. i dont understand. i hate trying to put logic behind everything. but i dont want to live a fantasy. i believe and trust completely that god sent jesus to save the world.. but why did god make us. like.. he is god. he didnt have to send jesus.. he didnt have to help us. why am i so fascinated by human behavior. life is so repetitive. people all do the same stuff and say the same stuff.. why cant we all just be unique. some of us go to school.. then get jobs.. do activities.. go to some kinda church.. worship at least a god or materialistic crap. play a sport.. play an instrument.. go to college.. get a job that we normally hate.. go into debt. get married.. have kids.. and come out either hating life or loving it. but either way its the same kinda life..
i just wanna know why.. its like something has programmed us into living this way.. are we being controlled? i cant believe an evolution.. thinking we are all here because of some big bang.. that is so stupid to me. that a star exploded.. or something to that concept.. that made an earth.. and a cell grew into life? what?
where did that star come from?
people are scared of facing the truth. but.. its weird thinking about god. why are humans so dumb.. we cant even fathom.  why do we have time.. why do we die..
i wish none of this was real. like.. it was just nothing? idk.. but nothing is always something. we die.. and live in either heaven or hell. forever.. forever becomes long at the end.. god has been here forever? ahhhh! its just so crazzzzzy. i am christian.. i live in a christian home..
i guess if my parents were muslim i would be muslim also. but im not saying im christian just because of my parents.. i dont have to be. i believe in it completely..
but what if i was raised differently? if i was raised to be muslim or budhist? would i believe completly in that.. or have questions???

im starting to give myself a headache..

please comment on your thoughts and what you think.

A-dios.

Time for my Obstinate Heart

The words that i see

are all i can ever feel,

It's never ending,

it eats at my will,

to live a story

that is all but free,

to walk alone 

is my fantasy

Could i get out,

of this dark caged hall,

or will serenity come in

and make me fall.

It won't be a manner yet

to capitulate 

I can't fell the fix

that can take everything.

I know this feeling of

abomination that kicks in

the feeling,

but my odyssey feels like 

a worm that won't stop 

growing and growing.