all i wanted was to be alive.

been together almost 5 years. its done now. completely no communication. i want to fucking kill myself. my mind is eating my mind up. selfish. very very. i dont care anymore. i am prideful and selfish. damn. 5 years. she is perfect. has always deserved better. i fucked everything up. my hormones did also. everything changed so fast. we knew too much about each other. there was no more mystery. no more questions. truth fucked it up. and so did lies. i do not know where at all to find happiness. she was my happiness but with her i was never happy. only in the beginning was i happy. so young careless and free. get butterflies when i would just hold her hand or if she would touch my knee. now this fucked up perverted mind only gets butterflies when hes about to kill himself. i see her when i look in the mirror she is what made me. i lived for her. but i always wanted more & more. i just know she deserves someone better. stronger. loyal. caring. spiritual. i use to be those things. but they disappeared. along with my love. influenced to much maybe. it wasent the drugs. it was my mind. i think way to fucking much. and i cant go back to her. i am a coward. she has to find someone. i wish i could move away. jealousy has fogged my eyes. i am completely full of shit. dont believe a word i say. i really am not sure what i will do when i found out she has someone else. i wanna be happy. but i wont be. im scared of what will happen. my thoughts have been abusing for this pass year. all i wanted was to take her hand. to go everywhere with her and to make kids. but i am evil. i am going insane. insane is the right word i think. i dont sleep much anymore either. im scared to dream of her. everywhere i go i am some how reminded of her. 2 years ago our relationship was so strong. then i had to go and fucking cheat on her. cause im fucking evil. then we were okay again not as good but okay. but then my anger and jealousy grew even more. i was talking to girls but at the same time getting mad at her for talking to guys. pure fucking evil. selfish is not even close to what i am. i am worse than satin maybe. nah maybe not that bad. i just wanted to be with her forever. but also was scared shitless of being with the same girl from age 14 till fucking death. we were practically one. she was most of me. and i was most of her. i am not sure if that was good for us. but i think she is happy. which is great. she deserves to be happy. i hope she is. i was always so life sucking around her. such a downer. i use to not be. idk what happened to me. i use to be a great guy. i think. selfish always though. its cause i was just a little more talented back then and everyone gave me so many compliments it just made me fucking selfish. ah. now im not even worth shit though. i can throw those talents out of my ass. they are worth nothing now. i was such a fucking bad boy friend. treated her like shit. seriously what the fuck. why would i do that. she is perfect too perfect for words. love wasent even enough. if i would of just killed myself our lives would of worked out great. so many thoughts go through my mind though. i hate being home. i end up thinking then doing random shit like blogging. but i havent told anyone about this shit. except one person. but not everything. for some reason it feels good to call myself a piece of worthless shit. mm. yep crazy i am. i am a noose waiting to be wrapped around someones fucking throat. i just wanna see myself happy. happy.. happy. i am lost right now in this neverending fucked up life. i just want it to end. do people ever pray for death. is that wrong. ohwell. selfish. yep. i am completely addicted to her. obsessed. i am going through withdraws. i need fucking relationship rehab. but i dont wanna start drinking or doing drugs to drown out the pain. that shit never works. EVER. but who knows. maybe i will. i dont care. maybe i have bipolar disorder. i think my grandma has it. or maybe im a schizophrenic freak. my uncle is. i also did cocaine for awhile this summer. maybe that fucked up with my mind a little. i dream about it sometimes. but the only reason i would kill myself is just cause i want her to notice. but also cause i wanna see what is next. but that is a whole other blog. i took all her pictures down. i overflowed a box of her things. and still have more stuff. i dont wanna burn it. that is just stupid. now i have 6 empty frames in my room that need pictures. and a little toy pig that needs a friend. and a watch that needs a wrist. and a ring that needs a finger. and a few shirts that need an upper torso. and a heart that needs a body. and tears that need eyes. damn im a fucking emo pussy. fml.