christmas pictures.

so today my family and i went to skiatook to take christmas pictures.. i hate taking pictures in the first place, and it was cold and windy. oh, and my brothers girlfriend was there.. (crazy)
my mom liked some house out there.. she wanted to take pictures there. all i can say it is a waste of time and money.. but i guess its ''family fun'' ? hah.
today was a pretty boring day. woke, cleaned, drove, stood in big house and smiled, ate some really good mexican food, drove some more, now home.
i think i'm supposed to be helping my rents to put up the christmas tree.

today made me miss her. i think i may be addicted. its good but bad. bad but good. oh well. it sucks not having someone around the holiday season, not sure why. but it is worse around these months.. i love christmas.
school tomorrow. sounds like the worse thing ever. i don't wanna go. its bleh. but cell group is tomorrow, i think. i like it a lot. random group of people talkin about love, then eat nice desserts. its fun.
i wanna go drink some eggnog and look at chrismas lights. or maybe hot chocolate.. with a cookie. i love fireplaces.
this is really my favorite time of year. november and december.
everything around me changes, at least here in Oklahoma. but not just the scenery, people change too. for good and bad. mostly good though. i love the cold. i love the warmth from the fire. i love the smell of the snow and crisp air. and all the food. and even though family is weird and obnoxious it is still fun to see everyone. it always feels different around christmas. people are different.. like happier. i know i am. i hope christmas never loses its magic. its so amazing when we're young. but becomes different when were old. makes me very thankful i know that.

i hope i dont break any christmas ornaments again like last year. ahh.

i hope it snows soon. never know living here in Timbuktu. (tulsa)

i hope she calls me soon. haven't heard from her at all today.

live unbruised. i'm sorry.

i have not written on this in forever. maybe cause i'm really the only one that reads it.. i guess i just want spotlight and for everyone to read my ''blogs'' but then i'm embarrassed in some weird way. 

well.. anyways. 

i guess this past month has been one of the hardest months for me.

i basically put everyone and everything i love in HELL. like.. for real. in hell. i love them so much.. but made the most dumbass choices. and never stopped.. and it grew, and grew, then was overflowed into their lives. i dont understand myself. honestly, i know how to live.. how to make the right decisions but i dont for some reason. maybe cause im selfish.. actually, i am very selfish. why cant i just be humble and love everyone. i think i'm bad for myself. myself hates me.. which then makes me hate everyone around me. even though i love them.. love is so weird.

i really came to the point of taking advantage. i knew i had them under my spell for-say. they would hate me so much but love me so much at the same time.. and then the week came. and it was a treacherous week. 

it was the hardest week for me.. ever. 

i would never want to live it again. in a billion years.. 

but the week healed my broken self. it made me realize how much people care about me.. and how much i really care about them. that i didnt need any feeling of care.. but just a thought of them. that week saved me.. 

it is so true. we learn from our mistakes.. we really do.

but there comes a point where we HAVE to stop making mistakes, which i guess is almost humanily possible.. but i wanna do it. or at least try hard. 

it was a weird week.. loneliness engulfed my every fiber. i think loneliness is the closest thing we have on earth to hell. it eats your heart away..

my heart was physically hurting. it didnt make sense.. loneliness was physically hurting me. 

..i dont even know what helped me come back to life. maybe cause i started talking to them again.. which is kinda bad, if i lost them forever.. what would i do. my mind cant even comprehend.

i want to change.. but i don't think i have the strength too. i want my heart to be nothing but clarity. transparent. but thats up to me..

i want You to rain/reign down over me..

i dont want to ever let go..

i will hold on.

i will hold on. 

HOPE. I WILL HOPE.

selfishness is the worse thing one can have. kill it.

 

my fear is crippiling.

why do i find it so hard to be with people.
maybe i judge even when i think im not.
i wish there was someone out there completely real. which there is, somewhere.
i can hang out with my friends, there good people, but i feel like God is angry at me for being there with them. i don't wanna call my friends hypocrites, but are they? why do i feel like i am?
why is SIN so freaking gay, i fall and fall. i know i'm sinning! but i just sin. when God is telling me to stop. Why would a person sin, when they know there in the wrong and God is telling them to STOP. seriously, what is wrong with me. i just wish i could live on a prairie, or a mountain. just me and GOD. no people at all. or i could 24/7 be in worship! life would be great for me. but life is'nt at all that easy, that would be more like heaven. if you notice in the bible when people would pray, they would go up to a mountain, and pray for hours and hours. but God doesn't want me to be praying for hours and hours, alone, with no one to talk to but him. we have to journey to the sea.
This is what i love:


'' You've been too long upon this mountain, it's time you journey to the sea.
Sometimes you trust in your false comfort, its easier then trusting me.''

''Some men only believe in what their eyes can see
Some men only believe in what their minds conceive''
 -Jason Upton.

i think God would be alright with me hanging out with the people(my friends) in the wrong, but only if i was a witness. But i don't know if i am. so maybe ill just try not to be with them as much.
my blog bounces around but that is just me. never can stay on one subject.
i just want Gods presence to shine through me.
For some stupid reason, i feel like when i mess up, Gods calling leaves my life and goes on to someone else. that is my biggest fear. Thank God for Grace.

were comfortable killers.

Putrid words from sharpened tongues
Are spewing them from our mouths
Without a translation
We're just making sounds

The pride of a lion is your disguise
But the fear of a coward's in your eyes

You're chasing the rapture
Praying for a
Perfect disaster
To save us from ourselves

We need more then miracles
We need to answer
For the blood on our hands now
And save us from ourselves

Out sight and out of mind
Make everything alright
So let the sky and sea collide
Just not in our lifetime

The end is running late tonight

The kingdom comes crashing down into ashes
Careful what you're asking for

We're comfortable killers

silhouette of life

Forced myself to sleep last night
Woke up to all white
Saw all the tears and cries
Screamed out with no reply
Nirvana dreams were never right
When crossing to the other side
It's too late to take this back
This accidental exit

Now what's in store for a
Soul with premature
Wings that will never soar
For what they're made for

Why we wingless angels fall
We'll die if our wings don't grow at all

Why we wingless angels fall
We'll die if our wings don't grow at all

Life is always strange
Signs lie wondering
Mental sodomy
This can't be happening

stop planting the seed

how come i am judged when i judge.
maybe cause its not your job.
but sometimes i think it is.
if you had a twig in your eye and told someone with a tree in their eye that they need help i think it would be alright.
but if i had a tree in my eye and told someone with a tree in their eye that they need help then i think i would be wrong.
 did that even make sense.
not really.
well good try anyways.

im gonna start bloggin. hope no one minds.