christmas pictures.

so today my family and i went to skiatook to take christmas pictures.. i hate taking pictures in the first place, and it was cold and windy. oh, and my brothers girlfriend was there.. (crazy)
my mom liked some house out there.. she wanted to take pictures there. all i can say it is a waste of time and money.. but i guess its ''family fun'' ? hah.
today was a pretty boring day. woke, cleaned, drove, stood in big house and smiled, ate some really good mexican food, drove some more, now home.
i think i'm supposed to be helping my rents to put up the christmas tree.

today made me miss her. i think i may be addicted. its good but bad. bad but good. oh well. it sucks not having someone around the holiday season, not sure why. but it is worse around these months.. i love christmas.
school tomorrow. sounds like the worse thing ever. i don't wanna go. its bleh. but cell group is tomorrow, i think. i like it a lot. random group of people talkin about love, then eat nice desserts. its fun.
i wanna go drink some eggnog and look at chrismas lights. or maybe hot chocolate.. with a cookie. i love fireplaces.
this is really my favorite time of year. november and december.
everything around me changes, at least here in Oklahoma. but not just the scenery, people change too. for good and bad. mostly good though. i love the cold. i love the warmth from the fire. i love the smell of the snow and crisp air. and all the food. and even though family is weird and obnoxious it is still fun to see everyone. it always feels different around christmas. people are different.. like happier. i know i am. i hope christmas never loses its magic. its so amazing when we're young. but becomes different when were old. makes me very thankful i know that.

i hope i dont break any christmas ornaments again like last year. ahh.

i hope it snows soon. never know living here in Timbuktu. (tulsa)

i hope she calls me soon. haven't heard from her at all today.

live unbruised. i'm sorry.

i have not written on this in forever. maybe cause i'm really the only one that reads it.. i guess i just want spotlight and for everyone to read my ''blogs'' but then i'm embarrassed in some weird way. 

well.. anyways. 

i guess this past month has been one of the hardest months for me.

i basically put everyone and everything i love in HELL. like.. for real. in hell. i love them so much.. but made the most dumbass choices. and never stopped.. and it grew, and grew, then was overflowed into their lives. i dont understand myself. honestly, i know how to live.. how to make the right decisions but i dont for some reason. maybe cause im selfish.. actually, i am very selfish. why cant i just be humble and love everyone. i think i'm bad for myself. myself hates me.. which then makes me hate everyone around me. even though i love them.. love is so weird.

i really came to the point of taking advantage. i knew i had them under my spell for-say. they would hate me so much but love me so much at the same time.. and then the week came. and it was a treacherous week. 

it was the hardest week for me.. ever. 

i would never want to live it again. in a billion years.. 

but the week healed my broken self. it made me realize how much people care about me.. and how much i really care about them. that i didnt need any feeling of care.. but just a thought of them. that week saved me.. 

it is so true. we learn from our mistakes.. we really do.

but there comes a point where we HAVE to stop making mistakes, which i guess is almost humanily possible.. but i wanna do it. or at least try hard. 

it was a weird week.. loneliness engulfed my every fiber. i think loneliness is the closest thing we have on earth to hell. it eats your heart away..

my heart was physically hurting. it didnt make sense.. loneliness was physically hurting me. 

..i dont even know what helped me come back to life. maybe cause i started talking to them again.. which is kinda bad, if i lost them forever.. what would i do. my mind cant even comprehend.

i want to change.. but i don't think i have the strength too. i want my heart to be nothing but clarity. transparent. but thats up to me..

i want You to rain/reign down over me..

i dont want to ever let go..

i will hold on.

i will hold on. 

HOPE. I WILL HOPE.

selfishness is the worse thing one can have. kill it.